Thought I'd share the most effective and long-lasting reward/punishment system or chore chart or whatever that I've ever used! It has blown anything else I've tried to do out of the water, since my other charts or systems have lasted about 3 days each.
I usually shy away from stuff like this because I don't like to keep track of things. I don't like to take m'n'm's in and out of their jars or put stickers on constantly. I just can't keep up with things that are too structured. I haven't even organized any kind of official chores for my kids because I just can't handle it- I feel like every day is different so I need something flexible.
This points system was born on President's Day weekend. We had a rough Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and I was kind of dreading a long day Monday by myself with the kids. Whitney was out of control with her constant name-calling, and time-outs were not proving to be effective in curbing her habit of hitting/kicking/injuring in some way all the members of our family. I was having a hard time getting Katelyn to practice the piano, do any chores, or really do anything other than fight with Whitney or read.
I was thinking and praying on Sunday night about how to survive the next day with the kids, and really, how to make some positive changes in our house. And this was one of the rare times when I felt truly LED in a certain direction in parenting. I mean, I feel help from heaven every time I ask, but usually it's just peace and comfort or a calming influence that helps me have more patience or know what to say. But this time the basis for this points system kind of jumped into my mind, and as I expanded on it I kept feeling good about it. I talked to Eric and felt good about it. And when I tried it the next day it was an instant success! But I really didn't think it would last longer than a week or two- I definitely thought the girls would stop caring about it or I would get sick of it, but that hasn't happened yet! I'm sure it eventually will, but for now, we are enjoying a very effective reward system! We still have huge problems with attitude that keep me up worrying at night, but our house is generally cleaner and we have at least a few less behavior problems than we used to.
So here's how it works.
Every day the girls have to earn 10 points. If they do this the reward is a fun bedtime: they get a treat and get to have Dad read Harry Potter to them. (We are on the 5th book.)
When they have earned a point they go put a magnet on their paper (which is in the kitchen on the door to the garage). I love that I don't have to keep track of it- they do it themselves. I do reserve the right to get an accounting of what they've put points on for that day if I'm skeptical about what they've gotten.
My favorite part of this system is the flexibility of what equals a point. A few examples:
homework, piano practice, making their bed, reading practice(the easiest point Katelyn gets every day), doing any kind of chore, sitting in their chair and having good manners at dinner, being reverent during Family Home Evening, exercising (so they get a point for going to Tumbling class)......
On school days they also get points for going to school, since they aren't home all day to earn points here. Katelyn gets 4 and Whitney gets 3 because she's not there as long.
I have also given points for things like: playing nicely with your sister for a long time, playing with/taking care of Owen while I make dinner, being good at the store or during visiting teaching, etc. Basically any good thing they do can be turned into points. But usually they do end up doing a couple of chores every day, which is great! I love that some of their favorite chores to do are ones I do not enjoy, because it helps me get them done: Whitney's most common chore choice is unloading the dishwasher, and Katelyn likes to clean the bathroom for some reason, which is awesome! Owen doesn't have to earn points yet, but he occasionally will do something to earn one. Mostly he does chores whenever he wants a fruit snack or extra juice- he'll clean his room or put away the kid dishes or help me sweep or cook for that!
So here's the punishment part of it. If the girls hurt each other or call names I take away a point, and they can get it back by doing something nice for the person they hurt. That's the theory anyway- taking away points has been a very emotional thing for Whitney. She freaks out and throws a fit that keeps her from being able to earn it back very quickly. Luckily the threat of loosing points has been enough to keep her from doing things very often. lately though I've been a little lax- like if Katelyn complains that Whitney hit her but then Whitney says "she hit me first!", I usually just split them up and try to distract them with something else because I figure they are even. But I need to still take away the point from them both so they both have to do something nice! Their petty fights are just exhausting. And so often Katelyn has bugged Whitney to no end before Whitney finally snaps and hurts her that I feel like she deserved what she got and I don't want to punish Whitney! I know I still need to though, I can't allow violence to be the solution to problems in our house.
And while violence and name-calling have decreased this last month, I think I need to start focusing on the whining, yelling, and attitude problems that are cropping up. But since those often are a conflict between a child and ME, maybe I need to have a points system too, so if I yell or get snippy/attitude-y with them I loose a point too and I have to do something nice to make up for it if I want my treat at night. :)
I don't know.
But I'm really happy I found something that motivates Whitney, and somewhat Katelyn, to do a few more good things.
Every day the girls have to earn 10 points. If they do this the reward is a fun bedtime: they get a treat and get to have Dad read Harry Potter to them. (We are on the 5th book.)
When they have earned a point they go put a magnet on their paper (which is in the kitchen on the door to the garage). I love that I don't have to keep track of it- they do it themselves. I do reserve the right to get an accounting of what they've put points on for that day if I'm skeptical about what they've gotten.
My favorite part of this system is the flexibility of what equals a point. A few examples:
homework, piano practice, making their bed, reading practice(the easiest point Katelyn gets every day), doing any kind of chore, sitting in their chair and having good manners at dinner, being reverent during Family Home Evening, exercising (so they get a point for going to Tumbling class)......
On school days they also get points for going to school, since they aren't home all day to earn points here. Katelyn gets 4 and Whitney gets 3 because she's not there as long.
I have also given points for things like: playing nicely with your sister for a long time, playing with/taking care of Owen while I make dinner, being good at the store or during visiting teaching, etc. Basically any good thing they do can be turned into points. But usually they do end up doing a couple of chores every day, which is great! I love that some of their favorite chores to do are ones I do not enjoy, because it helps me get them done: Whitney's most common chore choice is unloading the dishwasher, and Katelyn likes to clean the bathroom for some reason, which is awesome! Owen doesn't have to earn points yet, but he occasionally will do something to earn one. Mostly he does chores whenever he wants a fruit snack or extra juice- he'll clean his room or put away the kid dishes or help me sweep or cook for that!
So here's the punishment part of it. If the girls hurt each other or call names I take away a point, and they can get it back by doing something nice for the person they hurt. That's the theory anyway- taking away points has been a very emotional thing for Whitney. She freaks out and throws a fit that keeps her from being able to earn it back very quickly. Luckily the threat of loosing points has been enough to keep her from doing things very often. lately though I've been a little lax- like if Katelyn complains that Whitney hit her but then Whitney says "she hit me first!", I usually just split them up and try to distract them with something else because I figure they are even. But I need to still take away the point from them both so they both have to do something nice! Their petty fights are just exhausting. And so often Katelyn has bugged Whitney to no end before Whitney finally snaps and hurts her that I feel like she deserved what she got and I don't want to punish Whitney! I know I still need to though, I can't allow violence to be the solution to problems in our house.
And while violence and name-calling have decreased this last month, I think I need to start focusing on the whining, yelling, and attitude problems that are cropping up. But since those often are a conflict between a child and ME, maybe I need to have a points system too, so if I yell or get snippy/attitude-y with them I loose a point too and I have to do something nice to make up for it if I want my treat at night. :)
I don't know.
But I'm really happy I found something that motivates Whitney, and somewhat Katelyn, to do a few more good things.
That's great Rebecca! It's always nice to find something that works. I hope it continues. It's nice to know that I'm no the only one that struggles with the things you've mentioned. Lots of whining, yelling, and petty fighting at my house too. Sometimes I feel like the contention overpowers anything positive. I love your idea and may need to copy it...especially for my little guys. We don't have enough rewards at my house. I like the idea of having a chart for yourself. It would help me to be more accountable for myself if I did and the kids would see I'm putting in some effort too. Your a wonderful mom and one of my favorite people! :)
ReplyDeletethe kids would love the chart for you. I hope it keeps working!
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